With Us In Spirit

Four years ago today, I lost my mom. The most beautiful, kind-hearted, compassionate woman I had ever known. Four years ago today, I lost my very best friend. My secret keeper, my comforter, my cheerleader. Four years ago today, my life was changed forever.

My mother's death was incredibly sudden, and came just two months before my high school graduation. A little over a month before my senior prom. Several months before I was to go off to college. Such major life events, and her absence was present in a way that tore right through me. Her sudden passing turned my relatively normal 18-year-old life and shook it to it's core. My very worst nightmare had come true and was playing out right in front of my eyes, and I felt so, so small and powerless to stop it.

Mr. C and I had been dating for a little over a year when my mom passed away. Although he was at college five hours away, as soon as he heard, he came home to be with me and didn't leave my side. I soaked his shirt with tears and he held me close and cried with me as I sobbed for hours, until I couldn't breath. He stayed with me and held my hand as we made the plans that no one ever wants to make, and kept me sane when all I wanted to do was scream in grief. He had seen a different side of me, an ugly, angry side that only grief and depression can bring out...and he stayed. When it was difficult to love me (and I couldn't even love myself)...he stayed. When I lashed out on him and I felt like I couldn't get a handle on life...he stayed. Through the darkest period in my life...he stayed. And he's stayed by my side ever since.

As a result of her passing, our high school relationship grew up very quickly. What had been a fun, casual relationship between two teenagers had suddenly become very serious. Through incredible loss and sorrow, we grew up, and grew into different people. We truly learned what real love was, and we learned that we couldn't live without each other. Our "I love you's", said naively after 3 months of dating, took on a drastically different meaning. Life had thrown an astounding obstacle in our way, and instead of going our separate ways when it got hard, we clung to each other and vowed to never let go. My mom's passing could have very easily ended our relationship, but I truly believe it made it stronger. No matter what, we promised to be there for each other. His staying by my side showed me more than words could ever say, and every day I am so grateful for his never ending support and love during the most difficult time in my life.

While I've had four years now to fully process my mom's death, the planning of our wedding has brought on emotions I never fully dealt with until Mr. C put a ring on my finger. Right after her passing, I had a flood of "future" thoughts, and imagined all that she would miss...my college graduation, my wedding, the birth of my children. Because the thought of her missing those incredible life events made my heart ache in an indescribable way, I pushed those "future" thoughts to the back of my mind, not wanting to deal with them. As soon as Mr. C and I got engaged and began planning our wedding, I had to come face-to-face with the fact that my mom will not be physically present on the biggest day of our lives. A reality I wanted to dismiss forever was right in front of me, and I couldn't avoid it any longer. A day that was supposed to be full of so much joy was one that I couldn't even bear to think about without memories of my momma flooding into my mind.

Although Mr. C never got the chance to tell my mom about his plan to propose to me, I am forever comforted by the memories I have of Mr. C (jokingly) asking my mom for my hand in marriage just months before she passed away. It seemed as if every time they were together, Mr. C would ask her, "Momma Clownfish, can I marry your daughter?" to which my mom would laugh and say, "Sure, Mr. C. You can marry my daughter!". Even though him asking my mom was a silly, non-serious question at the time, I love knowing that in a way, he had her blessing. I know without a doubt she would be thrilled for us, and for our future together.

Knowing how excited she would have been to help me plan this wedding has been the hardest thing to handle. Going wedding dress shopping without her was the first of many planning experiences I had to confront, and I felt her with me the entire time. Never in a million years did I imagine going wedding dress shopping without my mom, but I knew she was with me in spirit as I found "the one", and I cried knowing she won't be the one lacing up my dress or pinning my veil in my hair on my wedding day. There have been many hard days while planning my wedding, but there's been more happy days. For this, I am so thankful. My mom is giving my the strength to do this without her, even though it feels impossible at times.

So many things she's missed, but I know in my heart she's still here with me, and I know she will be with me on my wedding day, too. I've had so much awesome support through out this planning process, and I am so thankful for friends and family that "get" my sadness and don't discourage me from feeling her loss. I know my mom is looking down on Mr. C and I is so proud of not only the wedding we're planning, but the marriage we are preparing for. More than anything, I want to make her proud of the woman I'm becoming.

I knew from the very beginning of planning that I wanted to honor my mom on our wedding day. How, I wasn't sure of, but I knew I wanted to do something in her memory. While planning, I came upon several different ways I could honor my mom, but I didn't feel an incredibly strong draw to any of them until I saw this picture...

Image Via Style Me Pretty / Photo by Apertura Photo

I knew that having a framed photo of my mom waiting for me at the end of the aisle, in the seat that would have been reserved for her, would be the perfect way to physically include her on my wedding day. While I may end up bawling my eyes out when I see her chair (a very real possibility on the day I'm chock-full of emotions, anyway), I'm willing to risk it to be able to honor her in this way. I also plan on keeping her close to me the entire day by putting a charm with her picture on it on my bouquet. A small gesture, but one that will mean so much to me.

I'm sure that I will think of many, many more ways to include my momma in my wedding day, but for now, I have peace knowing that she's really not missing anything. Her physical presence, especially her great hugs and endless encouragement, are so missed, but she lives on in the lives of my sisters and I and the countless people people she touched during her time on Earth. Honoring her on my wedding day and remembering her incredible life was something I never questioned, and I know in my heart she is looking down and smiling as Mr. C and I as we plan this wedding. I also know that if she was here, she'd tell me to stop taking the planning so seriously, and just enjoy the process. So that's exactly what I decided to do. For you, momma. For you.